she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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