how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
