i wish my penis had a tongue
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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