this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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