I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
