I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
