apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
