You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
