Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
