I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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