My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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