I'm lost and stupid without you.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
