Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
We need a shit load of segways right now
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
