A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
