I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
