I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
