On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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