In the future we'll all be gay
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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