The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
