apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Do vagina's smell?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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