I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
