i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
