My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
