There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
