there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
