My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
