He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
