Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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