i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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