Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
