Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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