Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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