dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
