he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
