Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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