Plan B is the new Plan A
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
