Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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