She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Two words: nipple clamps
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