Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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