wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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