i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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