So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
