using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
