You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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