my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
