We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
