he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
