Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
