he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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