Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
