Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
ttyl tear gas
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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