I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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