the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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