There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My liver just broke up with me...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
