so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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