at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
