dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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