I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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