VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
