officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
